A BRIDGE TOO FAR

SACRAMENTO, CA

California Governor, Gray Davis but found beaten soundly about the face and neck for inciting panic in the city by the bay.  He was later spotted wandering aimlessly around the state capitol building turning off lights and humming the theme to Eight Is Enough.  

 

THAT’S ENTERTAINMENT!

NEW YORK, NY

In a surprise appearance in Midtown, Crypty, the cryptosporidium and Super Heroe, Contra El Asma were seen together leaving the China Club where Crypty was said to have received a gold plated mail-sorting machine for their anniversary from Contra.   “Everyone says that we are mismatched but I also add that, well, you know, opposites attract.”  And, Crypty when questioned on his once sporadic appearances in the city, explained, “Look, all I know is I passed out in a lab somewhere in Iraq and woke up in Murrayville Station.  I can only say that I am grateful to be back in the city I love.  Crypty would not comment on his alleged crimes against the human circulatory system but industry sources claim that Crypty has turned his life around and has entered AA, Anthrax Anonymous.   Super Heroe, Contra El Asma would not comment as they left the China Club but wheezed suspiciously as he and Crypty escaped the crowd of on-lookers as they jumped into a waiting limo and sped away into the night.   

 

GORE-IFIC 

CARTHAGE, TN

Meanwhile, The Onion reported earlier this week that,

“President Gore has been seen delivering speeches into his bathroom mirror in proud defiance as he goes about his morning hygiene agenda.  “ We must honor our fallen heroes by devoting ourselves fully to the causes of liberty and freedom,” said Gore while brushing his teeth in small circular motions.  “And we must resolve to ensure, as Lincoln said, that government of the people, by the people, and for the people shall not perish from the Earth.”  After a long silence, Gore said, “God Bless America,” and spat.  Gore, since not taking office in January and who narrowly lost the controversial 2000 presidential election to George W. Bush, then adjourned to the dining room, where he held a closed-door meeting with his top advisors Simba and Stripe the family felines.  “All you have to do is see the man rake leaves into piles representing the various members of the international coalition, and you suddenly feel the nation is in good hands,” said Gore son-in-law Andrew Schiff” 

 

THE WHETHER OR KNOTS OF MUSIC

Michelle continues to practice her right-handed pirouettes in advance of her much touted VH1 appearance with Paul McCartney late next week in The Concert To Bang Your Desk.  (A concert to benefit the now lonely office furniture plagued with separation anxiety around the country.)  Michelle’s new CD, “Storm Surge” will hit U.S. shores in the next few days. Michelle said, “I feel very close to the American people and for some days now, there has been an uncomfortable gulf between us but I hope I can change that in time.”   When asked about her long awaited concert appearance, “I don’t feel a lot of pressure to perform.  I would go so far to say that I’m really more of a low-pressure performer on the whole…as it were.”    

 

STUPID ASS JOKE OF THE DAY (as if you need one…)

    Why won’t KMART open in Afghanistan?  Too many Targets