the shakespearean baseball game
SOUND CUE: REGAL MUSAK
VO: The LV426 Players Present:
The Shakespearean Baseball Game…
With apologies to William Shakespeare…
Or Frances Bacon…
Just in case….
Bosworth Field – a baseball stadium near Stratford…Enter two Umpires.
SOUND CUE ENDS
J: Hail Bernardo.
N: I give you greeting Antonio. Thou hast the starting lineups?
J: Aye, the batting orders duly signed by managers both.
N: Tis well – what o’clock ist?
J: Tis at the stroke of two.
FLOURISH
N: Hark, the players come. To our appointed places shall we go you at first and I behind the plate.
This game depends on how you make your call. Farewell until you hear me cry…Play ball!
FLOURISH
CUE: JAQ CHANGES TO MANAGER GARB—NATE CHANGES TO PLAYER GARB
J: My excellent good friends may fortune smile upon our enterprises this day. As manager of this most valiant club
I swear by all that’s holy in our game I shall not rest until a pennant over Stratford fly!
VO: Hurrah
N: Most noble manager!
J: Who calls?!
N: Tis I, Richard
J: Speak O’ faithful Richard
N: I pray you tell us how dost the starting lineup go?
J: Tis as it was before with Harry, Joe and Pete out in the field. Rusty! Thou wilt the short stop spot shall play and
you three guarding your accustomed bags – Sam the first, Bill the second and Richard the third. And as for you most noble Sandy—
N: Sire!
J: Hie thee to the bullpen so that if our pitcher from his box is not you shall go upon the mound and take his place.
N: I go!
NATE GOES TO CHANGE TO CATCHER GARB
J: For this relief much thanks. Alas, the mighty Rocky sits in yon locker room and mopes and well he might for in these
last ten games he has not hit the ball. Not even once! Yes, hitless has he gone and twenty times has been called out on
strikes!
SOUND CUE – SOFT LILTING MUSAK – ENTER NATE AS ROCKYREADING A BOOK.
J: But soft he comes…to think he led the league in RBI’s and now he reads the record book and cries.
N: O what a rogue and bush league slave am I. Is it not monstrous that this player here but in a
fiction, in a dream of passion should gaze upon the record book and find that he is ten
games hitless gone… O curse’d fate, that I that led the league should now bat…208. A hit! A hit! My kingdom for a hit!
Once more to hear the welcome crack of bat upon the ball and then to run from first to second and then to third and then to dig for home to
slide, slide, sliiiide!
END SOUND CUE
Ay there’s the rub. There’s a divinity that shapes our ends.
J: Most noble Rocky!
N: Who calls?!
J: Tis I, the mentor of your team.
N: Sweet my manager, gaze not upon my face.
J: Take heart gentle Rocky, for today your batting slump shall end.
N: What say you?
J: I have devised a plan wherein you shall bat five for five.
N: Angels and ministers of grace defend us. He hath gone bananas!
J: Here is the instrument of your success.
JAX GIVES NATE A BAT
N: Hah – tis but a bat
J: Not but a bat!
N: Not but a bat?!
J: Tis a very special bat, a Louisville slugger that once to Babe Ruth did belong.
N: Thou put’st me on.
J: I put thee not on.
N: Is this a slugger which I see before me, the handle toward my hand? Come let me clutch thee and with this mighty staff of
burnim wood shall I yet win the day!
VO: Hurrah!
J: Play ball! – The game begins!
FLOURISH
N: Pitchers, Catchers, Shortstops lend me your ears! The game begins and we must win!
J: And win we shall! All hail Stratford!
VO: All Hail Stratford!
J: A managers blessings upon you all and for your captain noble Rockygive me your hand.
N: Tis gladly given.
J: Play well valiant Captain and remember todays game is being televis‘d.
N: Televis’d?
J: And the tv shall record each passing play.
JAX CHANGES TO PITCHER GARB
N: Tv or not tv that is not the question. We shall play with might and main!
VO: Hurray!
N: Where is my battery mate? The pitcher mighty Bufford; the south paw. Aren’t thou prepared to take thy place upon the
mound?
J: (with obtrusive southern accent) Marry sire I am. I shall do everything thou doth desire. I shall throw them a goodly mixture of curves, sliders and
changes of pace that shall cause them to saw the air mightily with their bats. And on the scoreboard there will be a large goose egg for all to see….
uhhh by your leave.
JAX CHANGES BACK TO MANAGER GARB
N: Oh it so offends me to the soul to hear someone… tear a passion to taters.
J: How now sweet Rocky lead your players to the fray.
N: Hah! Before this evenings sun is set we’ll win the day for Stratford and Gillette!
SOUND CUE: GILLETTE MUSAK (long cue indicating time passing)
N: How goes it cousin?
J: Our chances dim with every pitch tis one away, Macduff is at the plate.
N: Lay on Macduff! And watch out for that breaking stuff.
JAX HITS TWO BATS TOGETHER UPSTAGE
A hit! A hit! A very palpable hit.
J: (Upstage) Foul Ball!
N: Foul Ball he called that foul?! A plague upon him that ball was fair!
J: Fair it was indeed! You! Sirrah! That ball was fair!
N: (Upstage) That ball was foul!
J: So fair a foul I have not seen. Cursed knave with
heart as black as
coat you wear upon your back. Get thee a pair of
glasses! Get thee to
an optometrist !
Come on Macduff take a cut at it.
N: (Upstage) Strike Three.
J: That was the unkindst cut of all.
Now is the summer of our discontent – tis two away
just one more chance do we have to win the game.
Who’s next?
SOUND CUE – SOFT LILTING MUSAK
N: Tis I.
J: Tis you?
N: Marry Tis.
J: Then go my friend with aid divine and hit that
Pabst Blue Ribbon
sign.
END SOUND CUE
J: See how the valiant Rocky stands at the plate like
a mighty colossas
a bat resting gently on his
Shoulder. But soft, here is the windup here is the
pitch….
SOUND CUE JAX – COW BELL DING
J: O no! I cannot look, the sight does sear my eyes.
The ball did
strike his head! The pitcher
Bean’d him!
SOUND CUE – XFILES SPOOKY MUSAK
N: (singing)
Take thou me to the ball game
Take thou me to the park.
Buy me some peanuts and Cracker Jack
Wash it all down with a flagon of sack!
J: O what a noble mind is here o’er thown.
N: Ahhh! Hah HAH! Alas poor Steinbrenner I knew him.
A man of infinite lip. Hail to thee sweet nymph,
NATE PICKS UP BATS
I would have brought thee violets but they withered.
J: O horror! Not only hitless but witless!
N: Two outs damn spot! Life’s but a walking shadow, a poor player that hits and bunts his weary hour
upon the field and then is heard no more. Tis a tale told by an umpire.
Full of sound and fury signifying….one nothing.
NATE FALLS TO THE GROUND
SOUND CUE – XFILES SPOOKY MUSAK ENDS
J: Now cracks a noble head. Good night sweet catcher, flights of shortstops sing thee to Thy rest.
Let four bonus players bear Rocky like a soldier to the dugouts. No more will Stratford see him play ball.
I’m trading the bum to Montreal.
VO: Exeunt with a flourish of batboys.
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