|
|
|||
|
art of writng the backwards essay |
||
|
|
|||
|
Down The Cosmic Bunny Hole I started to write this essay several weeks ago. Originally, it was an quasi-self-help piece on overcoming conflict within relationships. It was good too. I mean, it was really good. See, I had it all worked out due to my overt tendency to micro analyze things on a sub atomic level. I've found, however, this only enhances my understanding but not necessarily any of my practical coping skills and I've cut out my use of ephedra laced Crisco as a result. And the essay had bullet points too! This naturally means to me that it's good writing because in this instant gratification society that we live in, you had better be able to executive summarize the supreme unanswered questions of human existence, i.e. how to not kill your partner, how to love and be loved, who invented liquid soap and why etc. otherwise, you're in for a world of hurt. And goshdarnit they were awesome bullet points too like:
And then the kill...
Pure brilliance. I needed a moment for myself. Really. I stepped away from the desk, listening to the applause in my head believing that I had cracked it. I truly thought that I had and quickly saved the document to file and toddled off to bed secure in the belief that I now knew the key to good relationships. It made perfect sense, it was logical and clear. And with a heavy sigh of self-satisfaction like when Galileo discovered that the moon was not made of cheese but the papacy was, I flew off to dreamland in bulkhead seating and well deserved. Two days later, I read it again and for some reason, it just read all wrong. Well, it read all wrong because it was idealistic cognitive behavioristic crap. Though I do have a flair for the obvious, as the ideas that I was going to present were and still are very practical, the ideas honestly just didn't fit into the inane flavor-tude of reality these days. Humans are not practical nor or they by far logical. It felt hypocritical. An essay on conflict resolution in relationships in the middle of a war? Was I fucking kidding? Well, I wasn't kidding because over the past month since the war started, I've had the most quizzical experiences of arguing with people that I loved or being around arguing people who never before ever raised their voices to each other. It was odd. I was sitting in a restaurant with friends and within an hour or so there was a woman standing over me, screaming at me about the war. Well, I couldn't really believe it. I just sat there like Alice down the cosmic bunny hole just sitting there with my eyes in my head. This was a dear friend of mine who was now screaming at me. ' Well this was odd.' I thought slightly bemused and nonplussed. And in the moment I thought, 'Why am I so calm? What the hell am I drinking? Didn't I have an opinion?' Well I had plowed half way through a pint of Guinness which made my intoxication level equivalent to having eaten half a potato with hops-induced foam. Nope, that wasn't it. What is it about people in our culture who are on a mission from God trying to convince others that their way is the best way. I mean, I'm open to discussion about nearly everything but my flannel pillow and woobie but the real lesson, I've found, is that the world divides up into two types of people. The pots... and the kettles. Or, if you prefer, the hypocritical and the inconsistent. We are all as bad as each other. We all look suitably horrified and outraged when we discover other people’s glaring contradictions. And we all manage to turn a convenient blind eye to our own, equally bad, double standards. The grass may be always greener on the other side of the fence but the snow always tends to be whiter, purer and more driven on our own lilywhite side of it. Don't you just love cognitive dissonance. I'm a pot and a kettle. I'm an overachiever. We always push ourselves harder than anyone else would ever dream of. I do this as I'm sure many of you do as well. You probably put up with a lot of stuff that you shouldn't put up with on a daily basis. Don't you? I do. I did. And I think we tend to expect the ideal in every instance and when it doesn't happen we reevaluate and realign. Sometimes when we don't reevaluate and attempt to realign that's when we feel conflict. It's over simplistic to say, 'Okay, now don't you behave in that preconditioned way...' Not easy, not even close to easy when you've forgotten how to stand up for yourself. And as hard as I tried to shake my primate history, I spent the next couple of days, grumbling and exploring my hypocrisy and passive aggressive bad manners by running into people and being angry at pretty much everything and everyone in a sort of Dr. Evil sort of way. 'Oh, you looked at me wrong....DEATH.' 'Oh, you've just asked me for more help yet again... how'boutyoudon'tscottydon't'. I never said anything, I just sort of smiled and seethed away on the inside or I hurrrumphed and walked away. My Buddhist tendencies being pushed to the edge in my own Discovery Channel version of The Angina Monologues -- taking my pulse, holding my chest -- whilst dreaming of therapeutic Jell-O shots. I was mad that we were at war. I was mad that I couldn't do anything about it. I was keeping my silence with friends when I should have spoken up. I was not being myself. I was scared and feeling very helpless. And being the good primate I am, I trivialized those feelings because somewhere in Iraq, the fundamental issues of life and death were being played out on the world stage. What I thought didn't matter. I didn't matter. That's when my internal monologue came to a screeching halt. That realization made all the difference. I do matter. I matter a lot. At last, I was being direct with myself instead of trying and hoping that subtlety and good behavior would save the day. I came back to this piece with a new found understanding but more than that, an agreement with myself that it's okay to build barriers, it's okay to draw the line, it's okay to get angry. Double click the refresh icon on your brain and start again. And that got me through the day as well as the fact that I sent a flame email to the U.N. and suggested that they all get a prescription of Ridilin so that they could get something done instead of just sitting there like the League of Nations. That felt good. That was positive. Good move on my part though I now tend to believe that I will get audited this year. So, the art of writing the backwards essay is that it writes you or rather in this case, it wrote me. It wrote me good. That's one. The other is, -- yeah, okay on conflict resolution in relationships? With my best wishes to you and continued good mental health, here are the new bullet points:
That should do it. Trust me. Love, Alice
|
|
||
